Author: Simon Says

Cover Letter Volunteer Application Resume Work Sample 1 – Internet Level II Work Sample 2 – CD and DVD Movie Authoring Work Sample 3 – Proposed Series of Workshops for Adult Learners and other misc. Suggestions

Do fish sneeze? How much dirt is there in a hole that is 3 feet deep, 6 feet long, and 4 feet wide?None, because a hole does not have any dirt inside If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what do four and five make?Nine Why was six sad?Because seven eight nine Beth’s mother has… Continue reading Dumbass Questions

Don’t you hate those “talk to the camera” shows where the presenter says:“We are ALL working hard on the house”I say: Bullshit! YOU are talking crap to us. “This view is amazing!”I say: Only YOU can see it, I can’t, so rub it in ya’ prick. “We hope you enjoy the following show”I say: And… Continue reading Talky Shows

A washing machine A woman

Most programming languages have IF/THEN statements. Some examples include: IF mobile phones are banned THEN there will be riots in the streetsIF you stir the shit too vigourously THEN you’ll be sure to get the shit on yourselfIF you say to your mrs that Wednesday is “hump day” THEN you’ll be sure to get a… Continue reading If then statements

At an ex-workplace there were nicknames given to the employees. Lurch – He was very tall Screech – He had a high pitched voice Stretch – After work, the only stretching he did was stretching to reach for a beer Gossip – He was always talking around those who were trying to work The “Old… Continue reading Dumbass Nicknames

At an unnamed takeaway food shop I noticed a sign saying “We are kind to the environment”. I also noted the following: Their food was wrapped in aluminium foil – aluminium found by digging the earth for the metal and made in a smelter run by coal or gas The food was then placed in… Continue reading We are kind to the environment – so is my ass…

When a shop assistant says “When you’re ready” and prompts you to tap your card you should:a) physically tap the card (not your forehead)b) whistle dixie for 30 secs THEN tap the card on the consolec) all of the above When a shop assistant says “What can I get you?” you should:a) ask for her… Continue reading Shop Assistants Sayings and Your Replies

When I go for a shower, the first thing I do is get undressed.You know, of course, unless you are Superman, your knickers are the last to take off.When my knickers are dropped, I use my foot to flick them up in the air. This saves me from bending over (and any flattery on your… Continue reading Bathroom Knicker play